How is it Going, One Asks

"How is it going," one asks. Well, I'll tell you. My most common response, "It's alright." I finally moved into my own place, so things are going well on that front. Otherwise, I'm...alright.

I've struggled to find myself as an adult. I'm sure this is most common, but others hide it absurdly well. "Who am I?" This has been the theme of my life for the last two years. Let me tell you, I definitely don't know who I am. Am I an aspiring photographer, or am I a promising marketer? What about a potential pharmacist? All of these plague my mind. Who am I?

While I've struggled to start my Bachelor's degree twice, now, in the last year, I find myself wondering if I was destined to obtain one. I can certainly do social media managing without a Bachelor's degree. It would take a lot of self training and motivation, but I could do it. The unfortunate thing is that the jobs I want are requiring a Bachelor's degree. 

Over the last two years, I've taken a break from New Orleans Fresh to focus on my career as a pharmacy technician. I travelled to Detroit and New York City where I worked in understaffed hospitals to supplement the need for technicians during a critical time. Covid-19 robbed the healthcare systems of the United States, and the world, of vital employees who left their careers for fear of the disease. While I decided not to complete my nursing degree during the pandemic, I also decided to become a pharmacy technician during that same time. It was eye opening.

Let's focus on New Orleans Fresh for a moment, though. This was a place I could find solace. This was a place I could allow my creativity to flow. Something happened in the last two years that I lost interest in social media, even on a personal level, and my desire to fulfill New Orleans Fresh was gone. I didn't mourn it. I didn't even really notice it. I simply just let it be. 

I go through phases where I'm excited about something and then, suddenly, I'm not. The idea or thing is left in the corner like a broken toy. Forgotten. This has been New Orleans Fresh and my attempts to obtain a Bachelor's degree in Marketing with a concentration in Social Media Marketing. Forgotten. Am I proud of these downfalls? No, but I want to take care of them, now. I want to put in the time to nourish what I created. "My skills are a little rusty," as I put it in an email I sent earlier this week, "but I'm a hard-worker, a fast learner, and detail-oriented." Not a single word was false, either. 

Put me in front of something I'm interested in, and I'll pour my G%d d!#n heart into it. That's a promise, too. Depression has taken a lot of joy from me. It has taken so much happiness and hopefulness. I've struggled to find the motivation, that I tend to have in fleeting moments, on a daily basis. I have also been stuck in the monotony of work, sleep, reset.

Therapy has been helpful for me. It gives me the extra boost I need to jump over hurdles. It gave me the confidence to apply back to school several months ago. The unfortunate thing is that I had to stop going because of it's lack of affordability for me at this time. I'm currently on the search for a more affordable option, but I tend to be an expensive human being whether it's healthcare, food, or material items. 

This year, I want to find myself. I want to learn what are my likes and dislikes. I want to find an answer to the question, "Who am I?" When I turn around, I see childhood friends and classmates landing new jobs, moving across the country, getting married, and having kids. I want to settle down. As my counselor put it, and I'll paraphrase, "You can't expect someone to be your partner if you're not complete on your own." Her point was that I can't expect someone to complete me. I should be able to function on my own without the expectation that someone else is out there to fulfill my needs. I should be able to do that on my own. Independence. I need to find myself and understand who I am before allowing another person to enter my realm. I also think her point was that I should be okay before a person enters my life and I should be okay after a person leaves my life. I should NEVER have to depend on someone else for my happiness. I'll admit, I agree with this theory and hope to, sometime soon, attain this level of security with myself.

This year, I'm learning how to be an adult. I'm going to learn how to pay bills more efficiently, live on my own for the first time in my life, and find balance amongst social and personal things, as well as other commodities not listed here. I want to find my independence and know how to be happy on my own. 

I want you to come along on this journey with me. Hopefully, we'll learn, together, what I enjoy and despise. Perhaps, we'll learn some life lessons along the way. I'm not really sure where we'll start yet, but I'll definitely keep you on your toes. In the meantime, tell me, who are you?